When I took this picture last summer, it was a moment of freedom. Things were no longer captivating me just as the clouds were no longer captivating the rain. As I reminisce on the freedom of summer, I find myself yearning for these next few months to speed by so that I can once again be enveloped in the freedom summer carries. Why is it that I only feel free in the summer? Am I really free at all if it's only conditional? I blame the creative blocks I've been facing on school; but if I were truly a creative person, shouldn't I embrace it and allow for it to play a role instead of thinking of it only as something that stifles me? In fact, I have school to thank for this blog, and all that I'm learning about myself because of it. When I picked the topic of infinity, I knew it would be heavy. However, I had no idea how much weight it would put on me as well as how deep I would have to search inside myself to really grasp where I was on my search for infinity. This blog although it was for a school project will be carried on much longer than the due date. I've been provided with an outlet, and a documentation on my search for infinity. I hope that all who have been following and journeying with me on this can say they too have gotten something out of this. So, thank you, School, here's to you.

Absolutely Nothing

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Chops"

because that was the name of his dog

And that's what it was all about

And his teacher gave him an A

and a gold star

And his mother hung it on the kitchen door

and read it to his aunts

That was the year Father Tracy

took all the kids to the zoo

And he let them sing on the bus

And his little sister was born

with tiny toenails and no hair

And his mother and father kissed a lot

And the girl around the corner sent him a

Valentine signed with a row of X's

and he had to ask his father what the X's meant

And his father always tucked him in bed at night

And was always there to do it.

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Autumn"

because that was the name of the season

And that's what it was all about

And his teacher gave him an A

and asked him to write more clearly

And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because of its new paint

And the kids told him

that Father Tracy smoked cigars

And left butts on the pews

And sometimes they would burn holes

That was the year his sister got glasses

with thick lenses and black frames

And the girl around the corner laughed

when he asked her to go see Santa Claus

And the kids told him why

his mother and father kissed a lot

And his father never tucked him in bed at night

And his father got mad

when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Innocence: A Question"

because that was the question about his girl

And that's what it was all about

And his professor gave him an A

and a strange steady look

And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because he never showed her

That was the year that Father Tracy died

And he forgot how the end

of the Apostle's Creed went

And he caught his sister

making out on the back porch

And his mother and father never kissed

or even talked

And the girl around the corner

wore too much makeup

That made him cough when he kissed her

but he kissed her anyway

because that was the thing to do

And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed

his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag

he tried another poem

And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"

Because that's what it was really all about

And he gave himself an A

and a slash on each damned wrist

And he hung it on the bathroom door

because this time he didn't think

he could reach the kitchen.

-Perks of Being a Wallflower

When I first read this poem, I thought it was trite- the epitome of teenage angst. I feel bad for thinking that now, about that fictional character’s emotions, but I realize that my thoughts were product of my lack of understanding. I understand now. I understand his brokenness because of the overwhelming sense of my own. The boy in the poem held on to his innocence so long that when he started to really grow up, things hit him harder. When he realized that he only did things for the approval of others, it confined him. I am the same. Everything is a constant competition for me, and sometimes I don’t even realize I’m competing, or that I’ve challenged anyone. The desire for my parents to feel proud of me is overwhelming, and because I always fall short (as people naturally do), the want continues to build. I’ve yet to find a way to release it. I know that infinity is unattainable, and that feeling infinite won’t come often- that the search is what matters. But as things change around me, as they did for the boy, I become more and more exasperated, as did the boy. I mentioned earlier that I finally understood the poem because I finally came to terms with my brokenness. I don’t want to understand the poem, to feel empathy for the boy. However, I understand that those infinite moments I crave, can’t be attained until I set the demons that are breaking me free. I just need to know that it’s not just me, and a fictional character in a fictional poem from a fictional book that feels this way.

Heart Abandoned

“He’s my whole world”- Sam

“Don’t ever say that about anyone again, not even me”- Charlie (The Perks of being a Wall flower)

I never wanted to build my entire world around a boy. Ever. But as the end of the year approaches and someone very near to my heart gets ready to leave for college, I can’t help but question as to if I have. Every time I think about the approaching mountain I’m going to have to face, the avalanche cascades and my eyes get washed away in chain reactions (Josh Ritter, the temptation of Adam). All of this unsteadiness inside me makes me wonder, what I have I built my world around? I thought I had built up my world around something bigger than me entirely. I thought that my world was a mere reflection of my relationship with God. “There are people who have their beliefs just so that they can sleep at night, and those that are so convicted by their beliefs they can hardly sleep at all.”- Andy Hull, Manchester Orchestra. Lately, when I feel as though my relationship with my Creator is distant, I read the book of Revelations, or Matthew 7:23 (Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me you evildoers’). It terrifies me, and then everything’s okay. This is not the kind of relationship I wanted, the kind of faith I have only so that I don’t fear for my soul. I wanted the kind of faith that was infinite. I suppose that’s why I’ve yet to reach infinity, because I don’t have the faith.

Here are a few songs that have really been weighing on my heart lately.

The Stand, Hillsong United (Lyrics from which the title of this post was taken):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bN1JyZ5yvE0&feature=related

The Temptation of Adam, Josh Ritter

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76MXROcqqxo

Simple Math, Manchester Orchestra

http://simplemath.heroku.com/

Introduction

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

- Mark Twain.

I want this to be a place where I can express where I’m at in life, and where I’m headed. I’m learning that growing up really has nothing to do with being at that point right before you die where you realize you’ve grown up, it’s about the growing part. Life is about the growing. At seventeen, I’m at a moment where I’ve realized what I’m searching for: the feeling of being infinite. I read a book [The Perks of Being a Wallflower] once that had this feeling as its main theme. I remember being jealous of the characters that got to experience something so great as infinity. I realize now that they gained this feeling because they were open to growing, embracing it even. They weren’t letting the bittersweet between their teeth, the search for an in between balance, and love lost and found (The Naked and Famous, Young Blood) stop them from experiencing life, nor did they allow it to slow them down. We all reach turning points where we break from the tethered ropes of innocence that tie us to our childhood, and realize that we want nothing more than to grow and to feel the growth itself. The turning points where the feeling of brokenness is more than just something we notice in ourselves, but others also. The turning points where we realize that growing up is inevitable and that the growth is something we should embrace because we need it- that the need for change is what really drives a society, not the fear of it as we all have come to believe. The turning points where we begin the journey: searching for infinity

Here is a link to a brief synopsis of The Perks of Being a Wall Flower, by Stephen Chbosky- the main inspiration for the theme of this bloghttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Perks_of_Being_a_Wallflower

Also, here is a link to the music video for the song referenced in my text- Young Blood, by the Naked and Famous:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdO85Qf4Poc