Absolutely Nothing

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Chops"

because that was the name of his dog

And that's what it was all about

And his teacher gave him an A

and a gold star

And his mother hung it on the kitchen door

and read it to his aunts

That was the year Father Tracy

took all the kids to the zoo

And he let them sing on the bus

And his little sister was born

with tiny toenails and no hair

And his mother and father kissed a lot

And the girl around the corner sent him a

Valentine signed with a row of X's

and he had to ask his father what the X's meant

And his father always tucked him in bed at night

And was always there to do it.

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Autumn"

because that was the name of the season

And that's what it was all about

And his teacher gave him an A

and asked him to write more clearly

And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because of its new paint

And the kids told him

that Father Tracy smoked cigars

And left butts on the pews

And sometimes they would burn holes

That was the year his sister got glasses

with thick lenses and black frames

And the girl around the corner laughed

when he asked her to go see Santa Claus

And the kids told him why

his mother and father kissed a lot

And his father never tucked him in bed at night

And his father got mad

when he cried for him to do it.

Once on a paper torn from his notebook

he wrote a poem

And he called it "Innocence: A Question"

because that was the question about his girl

And that's what it was all about

And his professor gave him an A

and a strange steady look

And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door

because he never showed her

That was the year that Father Tracy died

And he forgot how the end

of the Apostle's Creed went

And he caught his sister

making out on the back porch

And his mother and father never kissed

or even talked

And the girl around the corner

wore too much makeup

That made him cough when he kissed her

but he kissed her anyway

because that was the thing to do

And at three a.m. he tucked himself into bed

his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag

he tried another poem

And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"

Because that's what it was really all about

And he gave himself an A

and a slash on each damned wrist

And he hung it on the bathroom door

because this time he didn't think

he could reach the kitchen.

-Perks of Being a Wallflower

When I first read this poem, I thought it was trite- the epitome of teenage angst. I feel bad for thinking that now, about that fictional character’s emotions, but I realize that my thoughts were product of my lack of understanding. I understand now. I understand his brokenness because of the overwhelming sense of my own. The boy in the poem held on to his innocence so long that when he started to really grow up, things hit him harder. When he realized that he only did things for the approval of others, it confined him. I am the same. Everything is a constant competition for me, and sometimes I don’t even realize I’m competing, or that I’ve challenged anyone. The desire for my parents to feel proud of me is overwhelming, and because I always fall short (as people naturally do), the want continues to build. I’ve yet to find a way to release it. I know that infinity is unattainable, and that feeling infinite won’t come often- that the search is what matters. But as things change around me, as they did for the boy, I become more and more exasperated, as did the boy. I mentioned earlier that I finally understood the poem because I finally came to terms with my brokenness. I don’t want to understand the poem, to feel empathy for the boy. However, I understand that those infinite moments I crave, can’t be attained until I set the demons that are breaking me free. I just need to know that it’s not just me, and a fictional character in a fictional poem from a fictional book that feels this way.