Searching for Infinity: Heart Abandoned

“He’s my whole world”- Sam

“Don’t ever say that about anyone again, not even me”- Charlie (The Perks of being a Wall flower)

I never wanted to build my entire world around a boy. Ever. But as the end of the year approaches and someone very near to my heart gets ready to leave for college, I can’t help but question as to if I have. Every time I think about the approaching mountain I’m going to have to face, the avalanche cascades and my eyes get washed away in chain reactions (Josh Ritter, the temptation of Adam). All of this unsteadiness inside me makes me wonder, what I have I built my world around? I thought I had built up my world around something bigger than me entirely. I thought that my world was a mere reflection of my relationship with God. “There are people who have their beliefs just so that they can sleep at night, and those that are so convicted by their beliefs they can hardly sleep at all.”- Andy Hull, Manchester Orchestra. Lately, when I feel as though my relationship with my Creator is distant, I read the book of Revelations, or Matthew 7:23 (Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me you evildoers’). It terrifies me, and then everything’s okay. This is not the kind of relationship I wanted, the kind of faith I have only so that I don’t fear for my soul. I wanted the kind of faith that was infinite. I suppose that’s why I’ve yet to reach infinity, because I don’t have the faith.